The dilemma After Covid lockdowns, our primary school-age son decided retirement is what he needs, not being at school. Initially, he returned to school happy and excited. The school ramped up the learning, saying the children were behind, and he struggled with that. There was disruption in class, which he wasn’t used to, and he lost his joy of school. He refused to go in. We had three months of cajoling him to go, persuading, begging. We tried the tough approach: “Drag him in!” That backfired. We tried the parental support approach, either his dad or I sitting in the school library. That worked, but we also have jobs to go to. Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services haven’t helped us much and we got a letter from the county council threatening a fine and legal action.
He was slowly improving until February this year when his favourite teacher retired. He could trust her and she could control the class. After she left, he could not cope. Hysteria followed, real emotional grief. This led to emotionally based school avoidance occurring again. Home schooling is not an option. We feel so isolated with this.
Philippa’s answer This is not going to be a quick fix and you are not alone. Not Fine in School is a support group for families with children who find it hard or impossible to attend school. It launched in 2018 with 100 members. Post lockdown, they now have more than 30,000.
Persistent absenteeism is up 117% since the lockdowns, equating to 22.3% of all pupils in primary, secondary and special state schools. That’s 1,615,772 pupils. And what seems to be happening in the UK educational system is that the individual pupil is seen as the whole problem rather than acknowledging that the school environment and unhelpful government policies around targets are a part of this, too. Parents are also blamed. And, in our educational system, there is too much of an attitude that draconian, punishing measures, such as fines for parents, are the way to go. This isn’t the only way to go. One size does not fit all. Many of our schools are not fit environments for our children – they are too noisy, scary and overwhelming, while resources are too stretched to do much about it.
It sounds as if your son has had too much pressure put on him to “catch up”, plus he doesn’t feel safe in school. Maybe this happens when he sees a teacher lose control of the classroom. He has been put back into this situation without a gentle re-entry, without being given the time to adjust and find out how he can belong and feel secure in this situation. The children are further stressed by being told they are behind and must put in extra effort to catch up.
Professor Lucy Easthope, an expert disaster responder, told me: “My heart breaks at how wrong we may be getting this. After disasters around the world, many communities take time for children to heal. They suspend the curriculum and spend some weeks outside. The UK has taken a different approach after the pandemic and hammered catch-up and a pretence that nothing has happened. The wisest, most empathic children are simply not buying that.”
Many who previously had not suffered unduly from shyness are finding that being among people again after isolation is draining. It is as though being sociable is like a muscle that needs regular exercise. Our social muscles atrophied during the lockdowns, plus we were made to feel that we could either kill or be killed if we got too close to other people. Such a message may get deeply absorbed by children.
They needed time to rebuild their social muscle by re-establishing friendship groups and getting to know teachers again. Your son made progress when there was a teacher who made him feel safe, but that safety net went before his confidence had fully returned. And, as you have found out, no one can be scolded into being less sensitive or more confident.
Join with other parents to campaign for more flexibility in schools, more pastoral help, and a move away from the one-size-fits-all approach. And for your son, think in terms of very small steps and expect to accommodate some backwards steps at times, too.
You need to put some pressure on the school for them to recognise his need for an adult there who can relate to him well. Without a trusted safe relationship in school your son will find it difficult to reintegrate. You could also try some short one-on-one play dates to build up his tolerance of being around others.
Take your son’s emotions seriously so he feels listened to and understood, but also show him you are not overwhelmed by his feelings by keeping calm. This will gradually teach him that he can, in time, contain them, too.
Recommended reading: The Orchid and the Dandelion: Why Sensitive People Struggle and How All Can Survive by W Thomas Boyce, and Square Pegs, Inclusivity, Compassion and Fitting In, edited by Ian Gilbert. There are many helpful case studies in the book, and it points out, “The trouble with square pegs is that by forcing them to fit the system’s round holes, you end up damaging the peg, not the hole.”
If you have a question, send an email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk
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