It’s Advice Week! In On Second Thought, we’ll revisit questions from the archives and dig into how much has changed since Slate began giving advice in 1997—and how much hasn’t. Read all stories here.
For today’s edition, we dug through Slate’s archives and unearthed questions sent to Prudie from the 1990s. We’ve asked today’s columnists to weigh in with modern-day sensibilities.
Dear Prudie,
I hope you don’t find this too personal or indelicate a subject for public consumption, but I am in a dilemma about a relationship.
I am divorced, mid-30s, with one child. A while ago I started to see an older man (he is 50) who is very taken with me and genuinely likes my son. He is starting to think long-term, but my reservation is that he is iffy in the boudoir department. Do you think this is a legitimate consideration, or am I being sappy?
—In a dither in Boston
Original Response:
Dear In,
Unfortunately, you do not define what you mean by “iffy.” Do you mean he is putting off going to bed, so you wonder if he has declared his major? Or do you mean you’ve already been to bed and are thinking you could put up with this if he were a billionaire?
No matter. Prudie’s advice would probably be the same for either situation: You must determine the importance of sex in your life. You are still young, so you can afford some more looking time. On the other hand, you may already have run through a number of klinkers and determined that it’s a jungle out there.
You can’t go wrong giving it more time to see how things develop. Prudie does not wish to sound like a Ouija board or the thing in the cookie, but time reveals much.
—Prudie, patiently
From: Dear Prudence (June 13, 1998).
Advice From the Future:
Dear Dither,
If we’re talking about erectile dysfunction, there are pills for that. You can encourage him to ask his doctor about his options. Yes, in 2024 there are online purveyors, but sometimes there’s an underlying medical issue at work so talking it through with a primary care physician is best. If the issue is more skills-based, you can try communicating what you need more of (or less of). From there, you’ll have to see whether he follows through on your suggestions. That’ll let you know whether he’s willing and able to make changes in order to help the sexual part of your relationship work.
If he is, great. If he isn’t, you’ll have to weigh whether sex is super important for you or not. Writing a pros/cons list might help you decide.—Stoya
Dear Prudence,
As 1998 has drawn to a close, I have found myself in evaluation mode and have felt ever increasingly blue and bluer. Though I do long for a permanent relationship, I also have not been gathering moss till the right one comes along. The result is I have several ongoing, fairly long-term relationships that are basically sex and nothing more. All these gents are unavailable for reasons of geography, marital status, and/or neuroses. The problem is, even though there is no pressure for me to make any of these relationships permanent, none of these guys treats me very well. I’m not talking trinkets here, either. I just don’t feel warm and fuzzy–more like cheap and tawdry! Is a big housecleaning the answer?
—Confused in the Big City
Original Response:
Dear Con,
YES!! A big housecleaning is the answer. And Prudie knows you will succeed because you are so cleareyed about what’s wrong. It is not everyone who can be her own Greek chorus.
Turn your blue to white: Become a born-again virgin. Get your self-respect back. Only truck with men you decide are worthwhile. It will be a new beginning. How insightful you are to use the word “unavailable.” And how wise to want to bag relationships in which the other person is far away, married, or a filbert. The time has definitely come to say to all these chaps: Adios, yo-yo. (Translation: Farewell … you’re on your own.)
Do begin again, and Prudie predicts 1999 will be your year. Let us all know how things develop.
—Prudie, resolutely
From: Dear Prudence (Jan. 9, 1999).
Advice From the Future:
Dear Confused,
Before we dig into your question, let’s talk about the part where some of your gentleman callers are not available for a relationship due to “reasons of marital status.” Were you doing open relationships back in 1998? If so, kudos on being an early bird. If not, well, searching for hookups among nonmonogamous people is a generally more ethical alternative to being party to cheating.
All the spiritual people in my life (and both of my therapists) agree that we have to make room if we want change. A big house cleaning is absolutely the way to think about it. Clear out some space in your life, and your schedule. Take stock of your standards. You say these guys don’t treat you very well—insist, moving forward, on treatment that is somewhere between “great” and “awesome.”
While you’re waiting for Mr. Better Than Adequate, spend some time reconnecting with your body. Get around to any medical appointments you’ve been putting off, focus on your physical well-being, and take care of your own sexual desires by masturbating. Now, in the post No Scrubs era, and partly thanks to Dan Savage’s Dump The Mother Fucker Already, we’ve often got a culture that encourages moving on.—Stoya
Dear Prudence,
This question is about the etiquette of having a love affair with a macroeconomist. He’s 15 years older than me and a former colleague. I have an iron-clad rule about colleagues and sex (i.e., don’t do it), but now that I’ve changed jobs he’s made his personal interest in me pretty clear; and I like him a lot. In view of this quite relevant fact–and the global scarcity of men who, like him, are tall, funny, and smarter than me–the age thing doesn’t bother me. BUT. The problem is: I don’t know if he’s still married to the mother of his two college-age kids, and I don’t know how to ask. I know this sounds dumb. But our earlier professional friendliness did not extend to swapping details of our private lives, although he does mention the kids. Is this some kind of guy code for “wife”??
So, can you suggest a polite way to raise this, preferably using some kind of Southeast Asia currency-crisis metaphor to get the point across? (He’s up to his neck in all that stuff out there right now.)
—Hesitating in Paris
Original Response:
Dear Hesitating in Paris,
Prudence is pleased that you are not put off by the fact that this man is a macroeconomist and 15 years older than you. There can be lots of life left in an old macroeconomist.
Now, how to find out if he is married: You might say to him, “I understand that the IMF is committed to standing by Thailand to the end, no matter what happens. Do you think such a commitment is wise? How about such commitments between individuals, even between husbands and wives?”
You might try: “I suppose you are hoping that Congress will do something about the marriage penalty in the income tax this year. Would it make much difference to you?”
How about: “The OECD tax-free store is having a sale on Chanel No. 5. Should I buy some for your wife?”
Of course, you could just ask him.
—Prudence, delightedly
From: Dear Prudence (Jan. 17, 1998).
Advice From the Future:
Dear Hesitating,
I think your boundaries around colleagues are great, and would caution you to consider whether you might end up working with this man again in the future. Careers are long and shifts in employment tend to be frequent these days (partly because company loyalty has been in decline since your day). Would you feel comfortable taking a job working with a partner? Would you feel comfortable doing so with someone you have a sexual past but not present with? Things to consider.
Men are no more a monolith than women, and none of us are mind readers. So you’re really going to have to ask. The more direct you can be—something like “Are you single?”—the more clear of an answer you’re likely to receive. Since clear and direct communication reduces confusion, and confusion is something most of us prefer to avoid, I’d categorize this as polite.—Stoya
Dear Prudence,
I have a situation. I have a good friend of the opposite sex who I’ve known for three years. Although he was initially attracted to me, the feeling wasn’t mutual, so we became platonic friends. He even got married recently. The thing is, we’ve become closer–and now I’m attracted to him. We haven’t had sex, but a frolic or two has occurred. Since I’ve never thought of myself as “the other woman” type, we are not hanging out again until this goes away. His friendship is important to me, and I take those duties seriously. Do you think we can go back to being really good friends sans frolic? Or does my wish to be a good friend require severing the relationship? Help!!!!
—Where the Hell Did This Come From?
Original Response:
Dear Where,
It is quite likely that you are suffering from the Grass-Is-Greener Syndrome. And, oh, to know what a frolic is! The image it suggests to your steadfast adviser is of two children dancing in a meadow … though Prudie knows this can’t be what you mean. And when you say the friendship is on hold “until this goes away,” what, exactly, is “this”? The wife? The marriage? The attraction? Perhaps what needs to go away is you; that is, put the kibosh on the get-togethers. The electricity is not going to diminish, because most men like to … frolic. If you are sincere about being a friend, you will save him from himself by keeping your distance. Not entirely unmarried men are seldom worth the trouble.
—Prudie, definitively
From: Dear Prudence (Nov. 25, 1999).
Advice From the Future:
Dear Where,
The first step is to figure out what happened to your self-control during these “frolics.” Whatever your thought process was, or whatever overwhelming feelings caused you to throw the guardrails out the window, do you think you’ll be able to make different choices moving forward? If the answer is yes, have a talk with your friend about what’s happened between you. If you’re both on the same page about not wanting to cheat, you may still be able to maintain the friendship.
If you don’t think you can make better choices in the future, or your friend wants to keep fooling around, then severing the relationship is for the best.—Stoya
More Prudie From the 90s
I have known a good friend for several years now (we are both graduate students within a small department), and we’ve always gotten along very well. However, I have noticed that there is a great turnover in her circle of friends each year as people inevitably get dropped. To compensate, she always seems to turn to a new crowd (usually new arrivals in the department) about whom she is wild for a while, until the ardor cools.
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